Weaker days

Listening to Rihanna's "What Now" while writing this post. The past few months had been hard on me. Crying is like a weekly thing to do. Problems with friends, boyfriend, family and myself, when everything is mix up together I just can't take. I burst into tears. 

Seeing tears falling makes me wanna cry. I just cried before. I cried in my room alone. Crying while trying to be quiet because I don't wanna anyone else to hear me. Lately, crying has been the easiest thing to happen to me. Even the slightest thing or issue can make me sad and I end up crying without me realizing. Everything is just too emotional right. Then I started to think that I am depress. 

I've taken a few depression test online. Not saying that I believe but most of the test saying I am at risk of having depression. One of the test said that I'm worried about judgement of others.

'When you experience a setback or problem in your life, one of the first things on your mind is what other people will think. Unfortunately, this attitude can lead you to feel worse about your problems than you need to. It also means that you may be less likely to seek comfort from others when you are in emotional pain'

Every single thing that stated there is the truth and I can agree with all of that. That is just who I am. I am born this way, how am I gonna change it ? My boyfriend always told not to blame myself when problems happen but how can I not blame myself if I'm the one who made the mistake. Then, who should I put the blame to ? If it's clearly my fault then I'm the one who should be blame. I should blame myself for what had happen. 

Yes, I am worried about judgement of others. I care of what other people might say about me. I just want people to like me. If the only way to make them happy is for me to suffer then I am willing to suffer it. It's probably not a big of a deal. I can deal with a little suffering. It's okay, I'll just keep everything inside me where nobody will know.

For now, I really hope to find somebody who can read me. One who understands me, knows everything that I want. I really need to find the thing I desire the most in life. He once asked me what's my goal in life and I don't know how to answer that.

I found a few depression blogger on tumblr and I see their scars and their pains. I did think of cutting myself, preferably the wrist. I tried once but I just can't harm myself. I'm afraid. I love my body and I can't punish my skin for what I have done. I just have to bear with it.

For now, how I really wish for having an eating disorder. I really need to lose weight because when I look in the mirror all I see is just fat and ugly me. I truly convince myself that I'm not beautiful not have great body. I tried to hold myself from eating but I just can't stop the hunger from coming. I regret every single bite that I eat. I wish I was bulimic so that I can throw up everything that I just ate. Every single food is making me look ugly and I hate it !

I don't want to be ugly. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be fat. I'm screw. I'm tired of crying and trying to reach people to tell my stories. I just want them to come to me and figure everything themselves. I really need someone to comfort me. I'm thinking of a cursing word to write but I just can't because I don't curse. Cursing makes me feel filthy. 

I'm hoping for a better days ahead. Forgive me for I have sin. I shouldn't have done that. 

Awake & Updates

It's 4:37 am and I'm the only one that's still awake. I've not been posting for two months already without me realizing. It's the usual reason here; busy with school and life. 2014 is coming in just a few days and I still haven't cross many of my 2013 resolutions. Well that sucks. Two months is quite a long time and lots of things happened. Now is semester 1 break and I only got 3 weeks. I wanna write more but I am just too lazy right now. Probably I'm getting tired and sleepy. Well, it's almost 5:00 am who's not sleepy ? I'm supposed to be sleeping right now but because I drank too much coffee I can't sleep. Got my sleepy mood and going to sleep. Goodnight.

Triste

Sometimes I'm original but the other time you see me, I'm just like everybody else

The truth is you don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed.

I'm stuck in between

From being stuck, I'd prefer to be crush

It's much more easier, I don't have to hold on to the pain for so long

I know it's bad to hope awful things to happen to you but I just really need it badly right now

I am more afraid to the reality now than before

Home is where my heaven now and out there is where my hell is

Sometimes I wish you were in my place just to know how I feel

My feelings confuses me

How I wish I could vanish from this big bad world and come back as a sweet girl that really knows how to handle stuffs and matters

It's not them, it's me who's making my life like this

Awfully thinking I'm stupid for being myself right now that's not really myself

Where should I explode myself ? In your face or your fucking ass !

I hate it. I just hate it

Keep it to yourself while you still can

I just need someone to guide me to right path

Not someone to tell me that I am wrong to everything I did

It's just so hard for me to take it 

I just need someone to hold my hand and tell me that it's okay, everything's going to be fine. You don't have to worry about everything else

I want something but I won't say it; that's just me being me and I don't want to change it

Deux Mois

For two months, 

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. 

Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. 

Just walk beside me and be my friend"

- Albert Camus - 

Je veux un chat

I have a dream. A dream of petting a cat. Yes, a feline. I have a few of em' at home but they're not mine. Just a street cat coming to look for food. They come and go. I notice. I had a feeling to take care of them, good care of them. Bathing their dirty body. Cleaning their hairy fur. They'll look so cute if the fur is thick. Like I said, they'd come and go. Today they're there and the next day they're gone. 

I want to pet a cat properly but I just don't know how to. The real thing is I'm afraid of losing them. What if I'm not good enough to be a cat person ? What if I forgot to feed them and then they die ? I just can't take the fall. I love cats. I do. And I'd really hope that one day I'll be able to take good care of one. Let them be a one fluffy ball :)

Eid's et de la plage

Rouge Eid's

Selamat hari raya aidilfitri from Noeanna

Encore En Vie

Listening to J Rabbit's song over and over again. I'm falling in love with her voice ♡

Hello, people on earth. I've been away for a month without blogging a thing. Things got kinda busy. A lot to spill out and I don't know where to start.

The past month I've been working. Well, not to say I like that job but . . ahh there's no but. I just wanna make money out off it. Working for just one month and I don't think I'm gonna work there again. A lot of pros and cons and all I see is cons. Whatever it is, I've got my earnings and it is awesome. I made about a grand and planning to buy a lot of things right now :)

Then comes Ramadhan while I was working. At first, I was planning to fast full for one month. Unfortunately, things happens and my period came. Damn you period, you stink ! Working while fasting is a new thing to me since it was my first time working, earning money in my life.

So, tomorrow is gonna be Eid. Bye bye Ramadhan. I hope to meet you again next year. I hope so, we'll just have to see about that. It just doesn't feel like Eid to me. I don't know why. I just can't get the feeling to celebrate Eid this year. I'm planning to just stay home and watch tv while eating cookies. Yeah, that sounds nice :)

Sayang,

  We haven't meet almost three months and it's killing me inside. I really really wanna meet you but the time just don't seems right every time you ask me out. I felt jealous, envious towards Haifaa & Shaakir, Jaz & Fauzan, Fawaa & Rafe. Cuz although they're far apart or not far apart but they still have time to meet each other. I feel like I AM A LAME GIRLFRIEND. What to do. My life is control by my parents. I really don't like it when we're like this. There was a time I feel like to give up. Give up on us. I just can't stand it anymore. But then I think again. I love you and I can't imagine my life without you. I am sad, having to spend almost 3 months not seeing you.

I love you, Ogie ♡ 

Mon Amour ♡

Dear my love,

please know that I love you so much

and how much I miss spending my night stargazing with you

although we're far apart now but I hope we'll do just fine

even though we can't meet each other but we'll make it work

though skype is the only way I can see your face

and calling you every night is the only way I can hear your voice

but there's nothing much better than being with you all the time

it's nice to stick around with you

I wonder when is the time we can meet up

to have our next date, I can't wait for that

take care of yourself sayang

and I promise you, I'll take care of myself too

I miss you yesterday

I miss you today

I miss you tomorrow

I miss you now

I miss you always

I just really miss you, sayang

*hugs and kisses ♡

noeanna

Movie // Monte Carlo

Oh yes, I just finish watching this movie

I feel like travelling now :*

Being able to work when you're still a student is what I really want to do. That's Grace. She save up all her money so that she'll be able to fly to Paris and have the best time of her life there. Unfortunately the vacation sucks and eventually ended up faking herself. She's having the time of someone else's life. 

This movie brought me to Paris, Monte Carlo. 

Gosh, I need a map !

Where's Monte Carlo anyway ?

That's it ! I'm gonna save up as much as I can. When the money has piled up, I'll go to Paris, Monte Carlo and wherever I can go. And I shall go with the one I love. That's for sure. I don't know if it's still gonna be you sayang but I hope so and I'll make sure of that. 

"les gens changent" people do change

- Monte Carlo - 

Movie // The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I just finish watching this movie

It was a great movie I tell you

I had it with me for a long time and I just watched it now. I took the movie from a friend and it's all because Emma Watson is in it. So, I was hoping for some British accent in her but nope. She talks normal English. Judging from the internet, I thought this movie was boring. Well, that was before I watch it but it turns out to be a nice movie to watch. 

Among all the characters, I love Patrick the most.

Although he's kinda gay, well he is actually but I still like him.

I like his energy. He's like the person I wanna go if I'm feeling sad and I think by seeing him will cheer me up. He's so alive. If I could, I wanna be friend with Patrick because he's fun and I like fun.

I feel sorry for Charlie and somehow in some way I feel like I can relate to him. That feeling when you're new and don't know who to talk to. When you wanted something but you're not sure the right thing to do. Instead, you just ignore your feeling and pretend it is just fine without it. I know that feeling. 

"Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

- The Perks Of Being A Wallflower -

Ce que je ressens

Ce que je ressens What I feel.

I don't usually talk to people about my problem. I never did. It's not because I don't have any friends, it's just that I'm not comfortable sharing my emotion. my sadness with other people. Kinda embarrass too actually. Whenever I feel sad or upset, I'll just go into my room and start crying. Just sitting on the floor alone and sink deep into my sadness. 

I'm the kind of girl who listen to people so well. My friends always told me I'm naive. Even my boyfriend notice that too. He kept telling me that I can't stand on my own. I do realize that I can't make my own decision and I tend to follow what other people thinks of me. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm too weak. No, I am WEAK. People tends to order me around because I'm easy. I don't mind helping others because they need help. It's not a wrong thing to do. I just wanna help. But all my friends see is me being an easy target to do stuff for other people. I always look willingly to do something for other people. That's why I'm the naive girl.

Making decision is hard for me because I have to think what other people is gonna think if I take any sudden action. I always think about other before doing something. I'd rather sacrifice my happiness just to make others happy. But in the end, I suffer everything inside, deep in my heart. I cry so that I can see other people's happiness. I thought I'm gonna be fine but no. It was never fine. It hurts me, a lot. But I don't mind as long as they're happy.

And now, I don't know if I'm still the naive girl or a new girl. I'm still searching of what I've lost that I don't even know what it is. 

Maybe courage is what I need 

The courage to speak up for myself 

The courage to stand up for myself

The world is cruel sometimes. You just don't realize it 

When you're too nice, people take advantage on you 

When you're bad, people will keep their distance away from you  

Mon Blog Et Tumblr

Just spending my lazy Saturday night customizing and editing both my blog and tumblr. Do follow my tumblr. I like to reblog random stuff. Ehh, it's Sunday already ahh ? I didn't realize. Probably busy with all the editing. Sunday is my favourite day. Yeay, Sunday ! Hoping for a better Sunday today. Ahh, my blog looks so innocent :* and I love it !

Blog. follow

Tumblr. follow 

61 Reasons Why I Love You

It has been two months I'm with you sayang and thank you for still having me. Although we haven't meet in such a long time; a month and a half I guess but I really hope we can make it work even though we're far apart. You're in Gombak and I'm here in Sepang. Well, it's not that far but we just don't have the time to meet up. Actually I'm the one who have trouble to go out. You know my parents, always concern about me. I want to call you today to tell you what day is today but I know your phone just broke down. That sucks ! Hurry up fix your phone sayang ! So that I can call you. I miss you. I miss you today. I miss you tomorrow. I miss you everyday. I miss you all the time whenever you're not in front of me. 

It's been 61 days we've been together and for that, I want to tell you 61 reasons why I love you. Here, in my blog. So that you can read it sayang mihihihi :)

1. Your hugs, especially from the back.
2. You like to play with my nose.
3. The way you worry about me.
4. Seeing you smile always puts me in a happy mood.
5. The way you view love and having a girlfriend.
6. Your honesty.
7. You're not funny but you amuse me in some way. I like that :)
8. The way you call me 'sayang' hehe. 
9. You make me want to be a better person.
10. The things you do to make sure I'm safe.
11. "Mmm-hmm Mmm-hmm" haha.
12. A gentleman sometimes. 
13. You trust me with your secrets.
14. You're protective.
15. Your small eyes -_- 
16. Late night calls.
17. Even though you're tired but you still wanna call me just to hear my voice.
18. Your voice, especially when you just woke up.
19. You appreciate all the little things.
20. You love kids and good with them too.
21. You care about your family and friends.
22. Sometimes you're very sweet.
23. You love me a lot and you show it.
24. You're simple.
25. You complete me.
26. You want to grow old with me and I do too. Really :)
27. You tell me to do what's right.
28. You like to listen to all my drama even though sometimes I'm being kinda weird.
29. You always ask me what I like rather than choosing on your own.
30. You thanked me because I made you happy as for being your girlfriend. 
31. You know how to drive.
32. You are taller than me.
33. You like to look me in the eyes even though you know I can't stand it.
34. You make me happy
35. You are my one and only boyfriend !
36. The effort that you made when you're trying to speak in English with me.
37. When you tell me you love me. 
38. You tell me that I'm cute.
39. When you stare at me and try to kiss me *shy*
40. You like my weirdness.
41. You like my drama.
42. I'm comfortable with you.
43. Humble.
44. You pushes me to be a better person.
45. You know all the right things to say.
46. You want the best for me.
47. Your hands perfectly fit mine. 
48. How cute when you pouts.
49. How you always supports me.
50. You love the way I sing Thrift Shop song, the 'motherfucker' part.
51. I love to cuddle with you.
52. You call me darling sometimes. Other time you call me 'laling' and I call you back 'lalang' hehe.
53. You work hard.
54. You accept me for who I am.
55. You want kids.
56. You get jealous when I'm talking about my guy friends.
57. The way you play with my hair. 
58. I love it when we sing One Thing when we're on the phone together.
59. You love me with all your heart.
60. I love that you're a positive person.
61. You're the best boyfriend I've ever had and I love you because of that :)

Just promise me to never leave me. I love you so much and I really don't want to lose you. I miss you sayang *hugs and kisses* 

Hello, boyfriend :)

Yes, hello boyfriend ! 

I have a boyfriend, hamagaddd !!

How should I start the story ? Hmm . . 

He is tall but not too much. I like it when he smiles, somehow seeing his smile makes me happy in the inside. He's not that funny but he amuse me and I like him just like that. He's too kind for me and cares about me a lot. I thank him for that. We started dating in April and became official on 21st April 2013. It has been almost two month of this relationship. At first it was awkward being someone else girlfriend because this is like my first time getting a real boyfriend. Not like the past boyfriends' that I had back then. That, it was just for fun but I guess this is the real thing. I really hope we could last longer. I can never picture us separating, leaving each other. That'll be so sad and I really don't wanna go under that situation. Thinking about it just makes me sad. 

I wanna talk more about him but this I'm tired and it's already midnight now. Well, this is just the introduction. I'll talk more about him later. There's so many to talk about. I will :)

p/s : sayang, are you reading this ? mihihi you kan suka tengok blog I kan kan kan. I dah update and it's about you but sikit je laa :3

Just some updates

Hello my dear blog. I've been away for a while. Busy with school, friends and stuff actually. There's a lot to tell and I don't think I'm gonna spill it all out tonight. 

Some things that happened :

• I got a boyfriend ♡
• Just finish Foundation TESL
• Went to Pangkor Island with housemates and Foundation friends plus with boyfriend

So, I'll write about that in the next post. I'm just feeling so lazy right now to do stuff. Well, catch ya later :)

What's going on ?

Hey there my blog. There's me with tissues all over my face. The pretty girl right next to me is Haifaa. Well . . I haven't blog about my life since a while. A lot  had happened actually if you must know. So, how to begin, ehh ? Let's start with 8 March 2013 shall we :)

8 March 2013

My friends got into an accident on this day, I am pretty sure it's bad but luckily everyone is save. The story begin when they (Pali, Baa, Acap, Naim) decide to go to Tengi river that evening. Just a few friends trying to enjoy the beautiful evening soaking in the cool river water and eventually end up in the hospital later that night. They went with Pali and like usual, he likes to drive fast; as fast as he can. Unfortunately while on the straight road, came across a big big lizard and as he was trying to avoid it, he press the gas and went to the other side of the road. The road was a bit slippery. So, the car slip away and hit a tree then roll over into a big gully. The car is pretty much badly damage and I can say Pali had lost her (the car). That poor little guy. Anyway, thank God that everyone is fine except for Baa who suffer a lil bit of injuries from the accident. Hope he'll get well soon.

24 MARCH 2013

It was barbecue day ! Since we (me,Sera, Haifaa, Jaz, Fawaa, Nadia) are neighbours with them (the boys next door), why not have barbecue time ehh ? I think they just came up with it randomly and just go on with. As much as I don't like chicken, I did eat A PIECE of chicken. I can't say it was barbecue nor it was grill. Well, at least I ate one. There's pictures. A lot of pictures but I'm totally not gonna fill 'em up in here. Maybe just a few. It was a chicken-full night plus with all of the entertainment. A fun night it is I shall say. Nothing much to say more. Ohh, and in the end all of them left off and leaving me, Jaz, Rozie, Naim and Ash. I tried to play games to put off the boredom to myself but got Rozie keeps on messing around making me lost in the game. Jaz was persuaded by an evil guy. He told her not to come to class. Ohh, dear Ash, why don't you like going to class ? and as far as I remember Naim was also encouraging Jaz to not to come too. GUYS =_=

I'm currently busy with piles of assignments and musical and class performance for the language exhibition at 8 April 2013.  Next week, for the whole week, they cut off all the classes just to make us prepare for the musical performance and other stuff. What worse is I have to face 4 massive assignment after that. Got presentation after that, debate for Public Speaking class, journal to read and ohh, make a simple greeting card. Wait, that one sounds easy. Okay, only 3 massive assignment. 

It's 5:14 am in the morning and I think I'm going to knock out by 7 am where people rise in the morning and I'm just starting to get some sleep. Typical me, so much for sleepy early for this year I guess. Well then, it's sleep time. Goodnight me :)